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It’s so weird being alone.  I’m not sure if I just don’t know how to accept it or if I just plain and simply hate it.

Cody is at Lacrosse (This is the first time I have ever left a practice to come home)

Ken is in Kingston working (5th week in a row… O I miss him!)

Benjamin is at camp for the night with his class.

So far I have cleaned the stove…. I mean really CLEANED the stove!.  I have changed the sheets on all the beds,  I have finished the laundry, I have caught up on all my favorite blogs.   The only sounds are the hum of the dryer and the cats purr as he rolls around the kitchen table and bat’s me with his paws looking for attention.   This is strange.

Should I stay or should I go?    I don’t think I can take it here alone anymore so I”m heading back to the arena.

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Ever since Cody was a baby everyone was amazed at how much he looked like his dad.
As he grew and developed his personality it was blatantly obvious that their resemblance didn’t end with looks.

They look the same.
They talk the same.
They laugh the same.
They are the same!

We were driving home from Lacrosse on Sunday and I was staring out the window dreading the week that’s to come.  I know that sounds awful but it’s another week without Ken and it’s starting to really get me down.    As I was off in my own little world I could hear bits and peices of the conversation Ken and Cody were having.  They were both joking about something or another and they were both laughing.   In that very moment I realized that even though Ken is gone all week he has left me with the most amazing clone of himself.

It makes the week a little easier to remember that.

In the past week a lot has happened.

Most notably, we have come to the end of our fertility journey.   After a year and a half of trying and a lot of patience and heartache we have decided that it’s no longer fair to the family we already are.  Our lives have been on hold and I don’t want the boys to miss out on anything for something that may never happen.   I have mixed feelings about this… I know it’s the right thing to do but at the same time I still ache to have one more baby in our family.  I told Ken last night that we need to move on and focus our attention on other things until the pain passes…. It’s going to take time.  What’s next for us?  I really don’t know yet.  What I do know is that I’m a very lucky woman to have a husband as supportive as Ken has been and to have kids as great as my boys are.  I couldn’t walk away from all this without them in my life.

Ken is still working out of town.   It’s been 4 weeks now and while the boys Lacrosse schedules help the weeks go by quickly, they unfortunately also help the weekends; when he is home, go by even faster.   Ken is enjoying his new role and is impressing the owners.  They have given him a vehicle allowance, a raise, and lots of praise.  I can’t tell you how happy we are that he has finally found a company that recognizes his skills and is utilizing them to his benefit.   We miss him a lot though and can’t wait till his site is moved closer to home.

The boys are playing Lacrosse almost every day of the week.   Cody is playing Field lacrosse, Midget Box lacrosse and Jr. C Box lacrosse.    Benjamin is playing Pewee Box Lacrosse.  We have booked 5 tournaments this summer plus provincials (which of course are 2 different weekends).

I shot my first wedding on Friday.  It was for a friend and while it cost me a lot to do with rentals, day off, hotel etc, it was so worth the experience.   I loved shooting in the controlled environment before the wedding… I could pose people in ideal light and got some really great pictures.  I did not like the church or the reception portion.   I’m not set up for darkly lit settings and found a lot of the indoor dark shots did not turn out as I had hoped.    I still have about 400 pictures to put through photoshop before I can pass them over but am looking forward to playing with MCP actions.  It was a beautiful wedding in a beautiful hall…. I’m so happy for Leslie and Dave

Well… That’s about all I have time for today, Lacrosse in 1/2 hour.  Once I have some of the pictures edited I’ll pop them into the blog.

Thanks for checking in.

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